At A Moments Notice...

I don't know about you, but for me 2004 has been one ole' year. For a while I'd thought perhaps my moms really did hit on something when she said: "if it ain't one thing baby, it's another".

Like many people I expect the most from my life, which typically translates to: the good. We all want the positives, and if we had it our way we'd have them rain down from the heavens; because for so many of us this is what we have expected from our lives. We expect things to work. But not just work, we expect things to work the way we want them to work; and when they don't we fume.

I'm one of those. I fume. I yell. I scream. I ask why. Why me? Why this? Why now? I've been fuming all year. Go back and check some of my previous entries. Many of them are filled with aniexty about the way things are/were/should have been. In my heart I don't want to be a fumer. I'd much rather accept things for what they are, learn the lesson and move the fuck on. But I get stuck. Stuck in the moment. Stuck in the situation. Unable to move passed the hurt, passed the pain, passed that uncomfortable fucking lump stuck in the middle of my throat. That's when I realize that I'm not taking care of Chris. That I'm not being real with myself, or the situation. Life is not supposed to halt you or stop you from producing; from being the best you could be. Life is more, so much more, but somehow in some unbelieveable way I always seem to make it less.

I've been gone for a while. But I've been going through it even longer. In truth my year has not been chaotic because of what others have done to me, but because of what I've done to myself. I chose to stress the shit. All of it. I chose to let others dictate my moods; to determine my worth; to place me in a box. Me. I did that. The question now is: what am I gonna do about it?

From the moment I heard Pink's M!ssundaztood I connected. While some blasted her for switching teams, I praised her for speaking my heart. Don't let me get me became my mantra, because I knew all too well the words she spit. I am a hazzard to myself, and I'll continue to be one until I stop with the bullshit and get with the program. Because I deserve more. So much more.

Here's to turning this year around.